Okay... here's the deal for a lazy Saturday afternoon....
I'm a wretch. Don't get me wrong, I am no more self-deprecating and I'm probably a little more self-absorbed than you, but while I'm not Satan himself, I am far from perfect. I smoke, drink and swear too much and I enjoy... um... affections with my husband, probably a little too much. Heck, I enjoy thinking about my affections with Erich too much. I've lied, been caught lying, been lied to and have gotten away with lying. Jesus said that hating is the same thing as murder so that makes me a damn serial killer. I'm a sloth--I'm a glutton. I've hurt and I've been hurt. I've wounded and I've been wounded. I've judged and I've been judged.
But, and this is the best part, I've forgiven and I've been forgiven.
Once, so long ago, a man told me and a bunch of other high schoolers that not only were we not perfect, but not being perfect was what God was counting on from me. (See the link below.) All I had to do was try.
And, I know from where your sitting, it may not look like I try, but wow, if you could see it from my end... I make so many mistakes and am constantly begging for forgiveness. Oh! God bless those of you who have forgiven me over the years!!! Heck, over the last couple of months! God bless you and God bless those of you who have said, as my friend Gale once said to me and I still treasure: "...but I see your fruit." {that means she looked extra hard and found something in me that was good.}
There just one thing though that I've never even tried to give up -- fighting against bullies. There are so many people -- and sadly, Christians, who are just bullies. They claim "radical discipleship" and "reverence" and "kindness" and then will stomp on the least in our society, treating some as if they aren't -- or never could be -- children of God. Yes, when I hear about just plain meanness towards immigrants, towards homosexuals, towards anyone, I remember when we were kids and people acted that way towards single mothers, towards people of color and towards the homeless.
Yea, I get mad and disagreeable about a lot of other stupid, selfish things, too. I already told you, I'm a wretch. Some of you have thought -- some of you have hinted -- some of you have said it outright that the problems that Erich and I are going through are a result of me being a wretch. And, you're absolutely right. Let me say that again -- You're absolutely right. God needed to teach me some things and it has been hard, the hardest thing in my life. He has taught me what it is like to be on food stamps. What it's like to be on unemployment. What it's like to accept groceries from my friends. What it's like to accept gifts from strangers. And, what it's like to rejoice at the blessings that others have.
In this path though, I have been raw. I am extremely fragile. I saw this state in people before who had suffered loss -- the death of a child or other loved one, those who combat sickness, those who have endured being outcast by society. I saw them and it confused me why they grew a protective "shell" around themselves. They were civil and polite, but always a part of them withdrawn, set apart.
That's where I am.
As a result of this, I simply cannot have certain people around me. I won't go into who or why, but yes, I've needed to "unfriend" and block some people on facebook. I haven't made it a drama, I haven't created factions or strife. My conscience is clear on this. I did it quietly and without others even knowing it at the time. And, hear this -- I have done this to dozens of people. Not one person, not two or three, not even just a dozen, but dozens of people.
Read the title of this post again: I am a wretch. I am weak. Granted. Levy your accusations. They are most likely all true. But at this time in my life, I need friends who I trust and they trust me, who laugh with me and make me laugh, who I know will pray with me when I'm so down and will talk me off the ledge.
- Trusting - I do not trust people who expect me to agree with them on every issue and who will be "mortally wounded" if we have a disagreement. The reason this is a trust issue is that if a person expects to affect everyone they meet into eventually agreeing with them, and, rather than sound argument or logic, the only way they see to make that happen is to resort to being offended, then who knows what other manipulations they may resort to?
- Laugh - It really is such a strong medicine. I was telling my kids one day that every family is imperfect and every family has a dysfunction. They asked what our dysfunction was and I immediately answered: "We laugh too much." If you can't laugh at yourself because you take yourself that seriously and you expect me to as well, then God bless ya, have a nice life, but I am a very ill person who needs that medicine right now.
- Praying - "There are no atheists in foxholes." Yea, I know there's a bunch of other quips that people have added on to this, but the essential truth is there. I want you to pray for me and I want to pray for you. No, it never replaces action, but it sure can create action.
- Talking me off the ledge - Oh, I wish this was the hardest thing I'll ever go through. Sadly, I know it probably isn't; that's just how life is. Gladly, I know it probably isn't; God has so much to teach me yet to graduate me out of wretchdom. If we can't be there for each other -- if you can't admit that you're life isn't perfect, that you fail, that you succeed and that you grow -- then why do you want to be my friend at all? No one on this planet is so full of themselves (not even me) that I just want friends who I preach to. Give me a break. I am transparent. I am who I am. Sometimes, I screw up so bad that I get out there on the ledge. I want someone talking me down that I know I might need to repay the favor some day. I don't have time for perfect people.
I've already made this too long. If you got this far, God bless you and I hope He gives you back that time somehow. I did cover a lot in this post, and I feel like I still missed several important points. If you read this, and your first inclination is to correct me in some way, please just ask yourself if you want to correct me for me or for you. If it's for me, then I guess, do what you have to do with your red pen. If it's for you, to show your knowledge, then I highly suggest you start your own blog and share with us your knowledge.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+12%3A9&version=MSG
